Covid 19 – Self-Isolation – Follow Up

To all of you who still refuse to SELF-ISOLATE…. Shame On You! Whether you want to admit it to yourselves or now… you might as well be holding a gun to someone’s head. You are killing people with your ignorance! Get the hell in your homes and don’t come out unless it’s for groceries or your job!

My father passed away yesterday morning. Another victim of this terrible virus…. Covid 19. Another death that could have been avoided by self-isolation from someone traveling, returning home and not following the self-isolation orders. I have very mixed feelings right now because of the state of our “family”, I use the term family loosely, I was erased me from that family many years ago.

I am sad, because no one should have to die such a lonely death. Being isolated from your friends and family in your final hours must be the loneliest feeling there is. He wasn’t lucid at the end, but I think on some level you must know whether or not your family is with you or not. No one should have to die alone and right now thousands of people are doing just that! And so many of these lonely deaths could be avoided if everyone just followed the directions of the Health Officer for their province/country. Do these people who are still dismissing the directions even feel the weight of these deaths on their shoulders? Do they even care? Do they realize that their ignorance is killing people?

I am mad, mad as hell. This could have been avoided, like many other deaths from Covid 19, by self-isolation. People not isolating and spreading this virus are now causing the virus to run rampant and thousands of people are dying needlessly and alone.

And I get really mad thinking back to different times in my life when he should have had my back, when he should have been a father to me and never was. How he let my mother dictate that my two sisters were more important than me. How I spent my life feeling unwanted, like an outsider, like there must be something wrong with me because my mother disliked me so much she wanted everyone else to as well. He should have stood up to her, and for me but it was easier for him to just go along with what she wanted.

Yesterday I thought back to the last two interactions I had with him. The second last was when my beautiful granddaughter was born… so, almost two years ago. I was with Kim when Scarlyt was born and stayed at the hospital with her to help her while she recovered. I was there when my parents and sisters showed up at the hospital to congratulate Kim and meet her brand new daughter. They congratulated me on becoming a granddaughter, hugged me and my father pointed his finger to his cheek, gesturing for me to kiss him. I just looked at him like “yeah right.” It was all an act for Kim’s behalf. Kim and I both knew it. I went outside for some “fresh air” and let her have her visit with them.

The last time I talked to my father was a few months ago. His mother, my grandmother, had been hospitalized because of a heart attack. I had information that he wanted so he was magically talking to me. During one of these conversations, he had the audacity to tell me I should keep in touch. After 30+ years of them ignoring me, referring to me as “the other one” if we were ever in the same place, and now all of the sudden you want me to keep in touch? I was so mad! They continued talking to me only as long as I had useful information for them and then the contact ceased.

And I am mad for his treatment of his own mother over the years, dictated by his wife. My mother never liked my wonderful grandmother and refused to see her. She also made it impossible for him or us (while I was still under that roof) to see her. Why my father allowed this to happen is beyond me. This is his mother. He had to sneak to see his own mother. A mother who no matter how many times he canceled a planned lunch visit or anything else, forgave him…. over and over again. Whose heart is now broken because she now has to bury another child. My heart breaks for my grandmother. No one should have to lose a child, let alone two… at any age.

And finally I feel guilty. I feel like I should feel more, that I should be heartbroken that my father has passed away. After all, even though he and the rest of “his” family erased me from their lives, he is/was still my father. I have cried, but my tears have been out of anger, they have been out of worry for my grandmother and for my kids. They have been for what could and should have been, but not for the loss of my father. I can’t cry now for the loss of my father because in truth, I lost my father many, many years ago and grieved the loss of my family at the same time. Therapy took care of that for me. What is happening now feels like it is happening just to someone I know, people I feel bad for like you would anyone who loses a family member but not that gut wrenching feeling you should feel when you lose a parent….. and that makes me not only feel guilty but cold. Like a cold hearted bitch. But I grieved for him already, he was just still alive and well when I did.

To all of you who have lost someone to this horrible virus, I am so sorry for your loss.

To all of you who still refuse to SELF-ISOLATE…. Shame On You! Whether you want to admit it to yourselves or now… you might as well be holding a gun to someone’s head. You are killing people with your ignorance! Get the hell in your homes and don’t come out unless it’s for groceries or your job!

Sandie