An Apology

I believe I owe everyone an apology. I haven’t even looked at the blog in weeks, possibly even a month. With everything going on in my/our lives right now it just come close to being at the top of the list of important things to take care of and for that I am sorry.

Between family issues, the death of my estranged father, worry over my grandmother copying with the loss of her second son, worry over my Aunt who is ill and how my grandmother is coping with that (her now only surviving child), Chris still working because he is considered essential, and of course overjoyed waiting for our grandson to be born, but at the same time concerned because it will be in the hospital with this virus running rampant.

As with Kim’s first birth, our beautiful granddaughter Scarlyt, I will be Kim’s birthing coach…. meaning I will be in the hospital with her. This time will be so different. While I am thankfully still allowed to be there with her, I am not allowed to leave the hospital to come home at all. If I leave the hospital at any point I will not be permitted back in and she is stuck there alone. Her husband can’t be there because that would leave Scarlyt alone and technically I can’t go spend that time with her because we aren’t supposed the be going to anyone else’s homes. It is a big old “clusterf**k” in the world right now and we are trying to make the best out of a bad situation.

It was Scarlyt’s 2nd birthday last weekend and it broke our hearts that we couldn’t actually spend it with her. We had to watch her open her gifts via Skype. While it was wonderful seeing her adorable little face, it wasn’t even close to being a replacement to scooping her up in my arms and kissing her whole face and squeezing her tight! I can’t wait for that day!

I have, or I hope I have, everything ready in my go bag for the hospital… sort of like when it was my time for the big day. Her due date is now only 10 days away. I have spent the last few weeks preparing gifts for the new baby and making a cute “Big Sister” gift bag for Scarlyt. All things I will post at some point when life becomes something other than just another day of worry about family members. I am hoping the joy of welcoming a new grandbaby into our lives will temper some of the worry. The thought of holding him for the first time alone makes me smile and brings a little tear to my eye and any grandparent will understand lol.

Sorry for the very long winded, probably whiny sounding apology. I guess I needed to get a few things off my chest. Maybe I need to start a journal or something to get some of these things on paper and out of my head???

On a side note….speaking of getting things on paper and out of my head… while all of this has been going on and dredging up old, unpleasant memories, I finally started writing my book, my story. I have thought about doing it for years and I think I have finally reached the point in my life where I can actually do it! I am only about 2 chapters in, but I have at least started it! Coming to bookshelves near you…. eventually (I hope) “Unwanted” by Pseudonym lol!

Mickey Mouse Night Light

I would like to start by saying Thank You to everyone for your Condolences and Thoughts. I apologize for not responding yet. As I’m sure you can imagine, life is a little chaotic right now and being on our WordPress site, let alone posting is sporadic at best right now.

Yesterday, however, I said screw everything and “played” Cricut. I needed an escape for the day and crafting seemed the best route. I did a few Easter crafts for my beautiful little granddaughter and this night light for my grandson, who should be making his grand entrance within the month! Thankfully during this stressful time we do have something wonderful to look forward to!

I made my pattern in Design Space. Doing a Mickey Mouse head is pretty simple considering it is basically made of circles.

I started with one big circle. I added a square big enough to cover half of the circle and then used the slice feature to cut my circle in half. I separated the pieces, kept what I needed and made the bottom half red. I added the two smaller black circles for Mickey’s ears, and two really small white circles for the little dots on the red half circle.

I used one of the Disney fonts for Greydon’s name and then cut everything out with my Cricut.

I adhered all of the pieces to the little LED night light I picked up from the dollar store and now I have a cute little night light as part of the gift for when he’s finally born ❤!!!


Covid 19 – Self-Isolation – Follow Up

To all of you who still refuse to SELF-ISOLATE…. Shame On You! Whether you want to admit it to yourselves or now… you might as well be holding a gun to someone’s head. You are killing people with your ignorance! Get the hell in your homes and don’t come out unless it’s for groceries or your job!

My father passed away yesterday morning. Another victim of this terrible virus…. Covid 19. Another death that could have been avoided by self-isolation from someone traveling, returning home and not following the self-isolation orders. I have very mixed feelings right now because of the state of our “family”, I use the term family loosely, I was erased me from that family many years ago.

I am sad, because no one should have to die such a lonely death. Being isolated from your friends and family in your final hours must be the loneliest feeling there is. He wasn’t lucid at the end, but I think on some level you must know whether or not your family is with you or not. No one should have to die alone and right now thousands of people are doing just that! And so many of these lonely deaths could be avoided if everyone just followed the directions of the Health Officer for their province/country. Do these people who are still dismissing the directions even feel the weight of these deaths on their shoulders? Do they even care? Do they realize that their ignorance is killing people?

I am mad, mad as hell. This could have been avoided, like many other deaths from Covid 19, by self-isolation. People not isolating and spreading this virus are now causing the virus to run rampant and thousands of people are dying needlessly and alone.

And I get really mad thinking back to different times in my life when he should have had my back, when he should have been a father to me and never was. How he let my mother dictate that my two sisters were more important than me. How I spent my life feeling unwanted, like an outsider, like there must be something wrong with me because my mother disliked me so much she wanted everyone else to as well. He should have stood up to her, and for me but it was easier for him to just go along with what she wanted.

Yesterday I thought back to the last two interactions I had with him. The second last was when my beautiful granddaughter was born… so, almost two years ago. I was with Kim when Scarlyt was born and stayed at the hospital with her to help her while she recovered. I was there when my parents and sisters showed up at the hospital to congratulate Kim and meet her brand new daughter. They congratulated me on becoming a granddaughter, hugged me and my father pointed his finger to his cheek, gesturing for me to kiss him. I just looked at him like “yeah right.” It was all an act for Kim’s behalf. Kim and I both knew it. I went outside for some “fresh air” and let her have her visit with them.

The last time I talked to my father was a few months ago. His mother, my grandmother, had been hospitalized because of a heart attack. I had information that he wanted so he was magically talking to me. During one of these conversations, he had the audacity to tell me I should keep in touch. After 30+ years of them ignoring me, referring to me as “the other one” if we were ever in the same place, and now all of the sudden you want me to keep in touch? I was so mad! They continued talking to me only as long as I had useful information for them and then the contact ceased.

And I am mad for his treatment of his own mother over the years, dictated by his wife. My mother never liked my wonderful grandmother and refused to see her. She also made it impossible for him or us (while I was still under that roof) to see her. Why my father allowed this to happen is beyond me. This is his mother. He had to sneak to see his own mother. A mother who no matter how many times he canceled a planned lunch visit or anything else, forgave him…. over and over again. Whose heart is now broken because she now has to bury another child. My heart breaks for my grandmother. No one should have to lose a child, let alone two… at any age.

And finally I feel guilty. I feel like I should feel more, that I should be heartbroken that my father has passed away. After all, even though he and the rest of “his” family erased me from their lives, he is/was still my father. I have cried, but my tears have been out of anger, they have been out of worry for my grandmother and for my kids. They have been for what could and should have been, but not for the loss of my father. I can’t cry now for the loss of my father because in truth, I lost my father many, many years ago and grieved the loss of my family at the same time. Therapy took care of that for me. What is happening now feels like it is happening just to someone I know, people I feel bad for like you would anyone who loses a family member but not that gut wrenching feeling you should feel when you lose a parent….. and that makes me not only feel guilty but cold. Like a cold hearted bitch. But I grieved for him already, he was just still alive and well when I did.

To all of you who have lost someone to this horrible virus, I am so sorry for your loss.

To all of you who still refuse to SELF-ISOLATE…. Shame On You! Whether you want to admit it to yourselves or now… you might as well be holding a gun to someone’s head. You are killing people with your ignorance! Get the hell in your homes and don’t come out unless it’s for groceries or your job!